Thursday, August 27, 2015

Mikayla's Pictures

We had some pictures taken of Mikayla in her sealing dress. I was so excited to get them back & love every one of them!!

Friday, August 7, 2015

One Year Ago Today

One year ago. One year ago today my grandmother made her final choice as to whether she wanted to continue to live in this existence which would be painful for her and a great struggle in every way, or she could go be with her son who had died at barely 2 days old, be with her sister, her parents and her husband. She could be set free of all the physical and mental ailments [strokes, etc] that kept her bound. In the end kept her bound in a wheelchair, unable to do so many things on her own.

I will never forget every visit that I made to the hospital, how I regret that I was unable to make more. I will always regret not saying I love you more, or I am sorry, or thank you. She was such a good grandma. I will never forget the very last conversation that I had with her, her telling me that she was so proud of John and all that he has accomplished and that he will do great things, that we will do great things together and that she is so proud of him for going to engineering school & working at Duncan. She was so excited to go to rehab in Lincoln so all of her friends could come visit, and I was planning on going and visiting her and eating lunch and/or dinner with her ever single day. We were both looking forward to her coming to Lincoln.

And then things changed. She had massive heart attacks and many strokes. She was put on life support and so many prayers were said for her. I will never forget standing by her bedside with my brother, my sister, my mom and my stepdad and holding her hand, touching her for the last time. We had to wear gloves because they knew she had an infection but they weren't sure what kind, so we could not touch her for fear of it spreading. I remember calling my mother in law and sobbing as I told her this was the end, I really need to drop Mikayla off and go to the hospital.

I remember my husband holding me as I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed as the machines were shut off. It only took a few minutes for her to pass away. Helping plan the funeral and the funeral itself was a blur. I remember attending the funeral and just crying. I remember waking up the morning after she died, my eyes swollen shut from crying so much- I had to lay a warm wash cloth over my eyes in order for them to even open.

Good things have happened since she passed. John & I got endowed, John, Mikayla & I have gotten sealed. John is graduating college and starting on his other degree. I have started a job that I love and Mikayla has grown up so much. Moving on has not been easy by any means. Losing someone you are close to and love deeply is not something that you "Get over" it is something that you Move On from. You don't forget the amazing memories, or the hardships. but you learn that things can be good again. The sky turns blue, birds chirp, the tears eventually stop.

John & I attended a funeral of my brother in law's mother who died way too early and way too young in a way that no one should have to die [cancer]. It was already an emotional day because of it being the one year anniversary of my grandmother passing, but then to see this 48? year old woman not here with her children and grandchildren anymore broke my heart. Seeing my brother in law broke my heart. It was amazing to see where we were [even though there is a huge age difference, there is still that same broken heart] one year ago today. I hope they can see the skies will turn blue again, and that life will move on, but their mom wont be forgotten..

I am so grateful for my knowledge of where we go when we die & what happens. Without it, I would still be utterly lost from those who I have lost.